I’m getting close to the end of my second month home, but still not feeling settled. I had a fire under me for the first couple of weeks: cleaning, reorganizing, painting, meal-planning, blogging, schooling. All of these things that would make me feel like a proper SAHM.
Yet here I sit surrounded by list after list, uncrossed. It’s left me feeling unaccomplished and very confused.
I’m home now. Aren’t I supposed to be soaking in the moments with my kids, doing all of those things I never had “time” for? And shouldn’t my house be a little more tidy without the distraction of work? Shouldn’t my kids be a little more obedient with the consistency and structure of mom’s presence?
And school… do we even need to talk about that? Addie attends a kinder program so I don’t do much with her. Alora attends a high school program so her home study time is only 3 days, but she is so super independent that all I have to do is ask how she’s doing once in a while. So the only child I am responsible for is Aidan. How hard should that be? Yeah, it’s that hard. I can’t get a handle on the schedule and routine with him.
I just feel so lost right now, between two worlds. I thought coming home would solve all of the problems we were having. I thought I would be more organized. I thought my house would be cleaner. I thought I would see my friends more. I thought I would do more fun things with my kids. I thought it would make me feel more like part of the SAHM crowd — But just like high school, I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. Being home just isn’t fitting the expectations I guess I had. So here I sit in my hole, while trying to figure things out. Maybe staring at these dirty walls will at least inspire me to finish my painting projects.