Temptation

I am enjoying my time home with the kiddos everyday. I really am. I love feeling organized with their school work, getting a routine for extra curricular activities, menu planning and shopping. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to be home with them.

So, why is it that I am feeling so drawn to another work opportunity? Is it because I can’t say no? Or is it my competitive nature? My inability to stay in one place? Or am I an overachiever who thrives on the chaos of having too much to do with too little time?

Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas any more.

I’m getting close to the end of my second month home, but still not feeling settled.  I had a fire under me for the first couple of weeks: cleaning, reorganizing, painting, meal-planning, blogging, schooling.  All of these things that would make me feel like a proper SAHM. 

Yet here I sit surrounded by list after list, uncrossed.  It’s left me feeling unaccomplished and very confused. 

I’m home now.  Aren’t I supposed to be soaking in the moments with my kids, doing all of those things I never had “time” for?  And shouldn’t my house be a little more tidy without the distraction of work?  Shouldn’t my kids be a little more obedient with the consistency and structure of mom’s presence?

And school… do we even need to talk about that?  Addie attends a kinder program so I don’t do much with her.  Alora attends a high school program so her home study time is only 3 days, but she is so super independent that all I have to do is ask how she’s doing once in a while.  So the only child I am responsible for is Aidan.  How hard should that be?  Yeah, it’s that hard.  I can’t get a handle on the schedule and routine with him.

I just feel so lost right now, between two worlds.  I thought coming home would solve all of the problems we were having.  I thought I would be more organized.  I thought my house would be cleaner.  I thought I would see my friends more. I thought I would do more fun things with my kids.  I thought it would make me feel more like part of the SAHM crowd — But just like high school, I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.  Being home just isn’t fitting the expectations I guess I had. So here I sit in my hole, while trying to figure things out.  Maybe staring at these dirty walls will at least inspire me to finish my painting projects.