I am enjoying my time home with the kiddos everyday. I really am. I love feeling organized with their school work, getting a routine for extra curricular activities, menu planning and shopping. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to be home with them.
So, why is it that I am feeling so drawn to another work opportunity? Is it because I can’t say no? Or is it my competitive nature? My inability to stay in one place? Or am I an overachiever who thrives on the chaos of having too much to do with too little time?
I’m getting close to the end of my second month home, but still not feeling settled. I had a fire under me for the first couple of weeks: cleaning, reorganizing, painting, meal-planning, blogging, schooling. All of these things that would make me feel like a proper SAHM.
Yet here I sit surrounded by list after list, uncrossed. It’s left me feeling unaccomplished and very confused.
I’m home now. Aren’t I supposed to be soaking in the moments with my kids, doing all of those things I never had “time” for? And shouldn’t my house be a little more tidy without the distraction of work? Shouldn’t my kids be a little more obedient with the consistency and structure of mom’s presence?
And school… do we even need to talk about that? Addie attends a kinder program so I don’t do much with her. Alora attends a high school program so her home study time is only 3 days, but she is so super independent that all I have to do is ask how she’s doing once in a while. So the only child I am responsible for is Aidan. How hard should that be? Yeah, it’s that hard. I can’t get a handle on the schedule and routine with him.
I just feel so lost right now, between two worlds. I thought coming home would solve all of the problems we were having. I thought I would be more organized. I thought my house would be cleaner. I thought I would see my friends more. I thought I would do more fun things with my kids. I thought it would make me feel more like part of the SAHM crowd — But just like high school, I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. Being home just isn’t fitting the expectations I guess I had. So here I sit in my hole, while trying to figure things out. Maybe staring at these dirty walls will at least inspire me to finish my painting projects.